


Neptune

by kanekicure



Series: Everything I Wanted (and it was always you) [1]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Andrew!Can!Be!Gentle!, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Protective Andrew Minyard, Soft Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, catch me ignoring the extra content, neil is in love with andrew and is scared
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:47:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23584843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kanekicure/pseuds/kanekicure
Summary: Stupid words, such stupid fucking words. Neil knows no one has ever said those words to him before. Not his father, not his mother and never from Andrew. Because why would he? This was nothing, he was nothing. He had said it himself.Neil was a fool. A fool who’s heart was pathetically weak.A fool who was in love with Andrew Minyard.-or Neil realizes he's in love and he is terrified.
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Series: Everything I Wanted (and it was always you) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1698091
Comments: 26
Kudos: 563





	Neptune

**Author's Note:**

> first off! I don't write smut! but I love intimacy and this was first attempt at that, so please try not to be too harsh. I love these two, and I think they deserve this. I also completely ignored majority of Nora's extra content because I don't exactly see eye to eye on everything she's posted so... my boys can heal. 
> 
> title is from the song, "Neptune" by Sleeping At Last. 
> 
> I listened to it while writing this so I push you do too. if ya want

The wind whistled by Neil’s already frozen form. His legs hung off the end of the roof, his eyes scanning the ground beneath him. His cigarette is still burning, despite the weather's valiant attempt in putting it out and Neil lets his eyes flutter close for a moment to inhale the distinct smell. Memories of his mother stay safely buried today, her voice and rough fists leave him alone for a few moments of peace. For the meagre fact that something else was already consuming him.

Usually it was Andrew up here, this was his spot- _their spot-_ but today, he had found himself walking up the stairs to the roof without a second thought after his last class. His body was humming for him to run, while his mind was still grappling in an attempt at grounding himself. To convince himself to shed his demons and let his body forget the knee jerk reaction to bolt whenever something became too much. It was becoming a battle that Neil was growing tired of, a silent one that refused to leave him _fucking alone_. 

This was okay. This was home. This was safe. 

But the pounding in his heart and the way his knees felt like they were about to buckle felt so similar to the adrenaline that used to drive his body forward when running. His attention was now torn from counting the exits and preparing a way out to now following a familiar figure around the room. Too busy counting the freckles that splayed across shoulders to bother remembering how many windows were behind him. Hands that should be prepared to grab a weapon at the first note of danger, were too consumed with reaching and wanting and an ache that he had yet to name. 

Fire. It felt like he was burning from the inside out. Hands that touch lit up his body and made him feel things he didn’t know were even fucking possible. A mouth that had the ability to blindly reel him in, make him crave things he had never wanted before. 

All Andrew Minyard, it was all Andrew Minyard’s fault.

Blonde tousled hair, hazel eyes that burned under a mask of apathy. Hands covered in scars from fights old and new, that could burn but yet touch so soft. Rigid edges that somehow still fit snugly against Neil’s side. 

People told him Andrew was cold, but they were wrong. Liars. Andrew Minyard burned hotter than the sun. So bright and so fucking hot that you couldn’t look directly at him, much less touch him without getting burnt. 

But somehow, somewhere along the way. Neil hadn’t hesitated to throw himself completely and wholeheartedly into his inferno. 

And as anyone would guess, now he was fucking _burning alive._

So here he was. Hiding in plain sight, in the spot he had first tasted the oncoming storm. 

And, as much as Neil didn’t want to admit it, he was scared. 

He was scared of the fact that he felt breakable. Scared because now, in these moments where his life was dancing on a fine line of reality and illusion, he needed Andrew.

Because as much as he was a raging fire, he was also the only steady figure in the haze of Neil’s life. He was a lifeline that he found himself clinging too. Andrew would be furious if he knew, if he knew how much Neil relied on him. 

_“I am not your answer.”_

No, Neil agreed, he wasn’t. Andrew was the entire fucking test.

-

“Ya know, I think Aaron actually really likes you.”

“W _hat the fuck_?” 

Katelyn laughed when Neil’s eyes snapped away from his phone, the device tumbling out of his hands as he looked up to the redhead in horror. The words sputtering out of him before he even had the chance to fully digest what she had even said, “Did you hit your head at cheer practice or something?” 

Katelyn rolled her eyes, leaning back in her chair with a smug look on her face. “I knew that would get your attention.” She huffed, spinning her pointer finger around the rim of her cup. “You’ve been zoned out for, like, majority of my story.” 

Neil frowned, trying to decide whether he was supposed to apologize or not because, while it was true, he hadn’t been doing it on purpose. Neil’s mind had just been fairly unforgiving recently. 

Thankfully Katelyn, probably used to socially inept people giving her choice of boyfriend, seemed to understand. “You doing okay?”

The softness in her question was still something Neil was getting used too. Ever since the summer and Aaron’s trial, Neil had found himself slowly gaining a begrudging respect for the cheerleader. For the arguable most sane and normal person around the Monsters, he figured she'd stop trying to hang around the moment the obligation was gone. But before the trial and afterwards, Katelyn was there. A steady force to keep Aaron straight, but also to try and reach out to the rest of them. 

He had even seen her buying Andrew’s favourite flavour of ice cream when she was the only one who left to get groceries. 

And when the semester started up and Katelyn had ended up in one of Neil’s classes, he hadn’t blinked twice when she sat down next to him. Asking him if he was any good at Calculus. Katelyn called them friends, made him go out with her on Thursday’s to study together for the test their professor gave them every Friday. And somehow along the way, Neil stopped complaining. 

So, when she asked questions, he tried his best to be honest, because that was what friends did. 

“Uh, just got a lot on my mind. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to ignore you.” He offered and Katelyn gave him a dismissive wave. 

“Don’t be sorry. What’s going on? Stressed about finals?” 

_I wish._ He thought bitterly.

“No, not really. I’m just getting used to everything still you know-” He gestured to the room, in hopes to indicate everything. University, Exy, the Foxes, being a real person, not having imminent death looming over his shoulder, feelings, Andrew, Andrew, and Andrew. “It’s just a lot.” 

Across from him Katelyn nodded sympathetically. Though Neil knew she probably didn’t understand half of what was going through his head. “Life can be a lot, I know. But Neil, you know if you ever need someone to talk too… you can talk to me okay? I’ll never be able to fully understand what it must be like for you but, I mean we are both dating Minyards so, I’m experienced in that field.” 

She cracks a smile again, clearly trying to diffuse the somber mood that had fallen on Neil’s shoulder. But at the mention of Andrew, the weight of grief only grew larger. With a sigh he closes his math book and sends Katelyn what he hopes was a convincing smile. 

_So much for being honest._

“I dunno if I’m ‘dating’ a Minyard but, thanks Katelyn.” He responds and doesn’t miss the twitch of disbelief that crossed her features. 

“You’re telling me you and Andrew aren’t official? Don’t make me laugh.” 

Neil hesitates, he isn’t sure how to go about this conversation when he hasn’t even brought it up to Andrew himself. 

“We just aren’t really like that I guess. I don’t think Andrew really likes stuff like that.” 

“But you do?” She asks. 

Neil blanks for a moment at the question, because he doesn’t _know._ He doesn’t know anything anymore because everything he feels for Andrew is so much, a small word like ‘boyfriend’ doesn’t feel like it’s enough to explain it. 

“I- I’m happy if he is.” He gives a weak laugh, “Or however he feels about it.” 

He hates the twist his stomach makes at his words, he hates how his heart seems to throb slightly in his throat. He hates the way his brain is screaming at him to stop thinking like this, that it’s a horrible idea but he can’t help it. He can’t anymore. He can’t deny the overwhelming all consuming realization that he _loves_ -

His body jolts at the thought. The fire burns and then he freezes. 

Like cold ice is dumped on him, and it hurts so much more than the inferno ever did. 

“I have to go.” He manages, grabbing for his backpack and ignoring the concerned voice of Katelyn because his mind is racing and he’s drowning drowning drowning-

Stupid words, such stupid fucking words. Neil knows no one has ever said those words to him before. Not his father, not his mother and never from Andrew. Because why would he? This was nothing, he was nothing. He had said it himself. 

Neil was a fool. A fool who’s heart was weak weak weak weak.

A fool who was in love with Andrew Minyard. 

-

He avoids Andrew that night when he returns to the dorm. Going as far to shake his head when Andrew stops in front of him and grabs his cigarettes. Quirking an eyebrow at him, probably waiting for Neil to leave the chair and follow him up the roof. 

Instead, Neil diverts his gaze as shame and guilt burns across his body, “I have to study.” 

Of course Andrew doesn’t question him, just simply turns around and slips his shoes on, leaving Neil to do as he pleased. 

He doesn’t move from his desk for the rest of the dwindling daylight. He’s staring at his textbook and paper but filling nothing out, his mind running itself into the ground, letting the cold spread from his heart to his bones. 

_I’m betraying him for this_ . He thinks suddenly. _I tricked him, I’m a liar. I’m just like everyone else._

Andrew would call him pathetic if he ever heard the things he was thinking about himself

“Are you coming to bed or are you planning on sleeping at your desk?” The voice causes Neil to jolt again, spinning around and finding Andrew standing behind him. His arms crossed across his chest, he’s wearing a black shirt and his flannel pyjamas bottoms and for a moment Neil forgets everything and almost smiles at the sight. 

But his jump didn’t go unnoticed, and to anyone else, Andrew’s expression hasn’t changed but Neil sees the concern creep into the other’s eyes nonetheless. 

“Yeah, just give me a sec.” He says quickly, before the fire returns and he pulls himself towards Andrew again. 

_You can’t. You’ve already done enough damage._

Andrew says nothing in return but he doesn’t leave, which is a big enough sign that Andrew knows something is up and he’s watching. Neil wonders absently what he will do once he figures out what Neil is feeling. 

_You’re going to lose him. He’ll never want to touch you again. You’ll never touch him again._

The realization causes him to almost choke at the sudden ache that consumes him. Maybe if his past was different, Neil would feel tears brimming in his eyes. 

Andrew shifts impatiently behind him and Neil finally slams his books close and shoves them in his backpack without saying anything. He moves for the bedroom and he doesn’t need to look to know that Andrew is following him. 

Still, Andrew says nothing. 

Not when Neil grabs his pyjamas and instead of just changing in the room like he usually would, he moves to the bathroom. He doesn’t think he can handle the feeling of Andrew’s eyes on him right now. He doesn’t look at his scars as he gets changed as fast as he can, he doesn’t want to remember the way Andrew traces them, or how he kissed him, or how sometimes when they are alone. Andrew lays beside him, doing nothing but existing in Neil’s space and absent minded strokes a hand up and down Neil’s arm. Pressing softly against the permanent marks with something akin to gentleness. 

He catches his reflection and sees the crude marks that mar his skin. He almost laughs at the sight.

_I’m sorry Andrew, that this is what fell in love with you._

Andrew still doesn’t speak when Neil finally shuffles out of the bathroom. Nor does he when Neil just gives him a small smile and climbs up to his top bunk. Not letting himself press their usual goodnight kiss because it feels like betrayal. 

He listens for a few minutes and he knows that Andrew is watching his back from the floor. But eventually he hears the tell tall sign of Andrew sliding into his bunk below him and pushing himself against the wall. 

Neil swallows the ache in his chest down and closes his eyes - he does not sleep that night. 

-

Andrew does not speak to Neil that morning. 

Or that afternoon. 

It seems he either picked up on the wall Neil has put up and is respecting his boundaries because that was what they were supposed to do- 

_Until you fell in love with him._

-or Andrew had figured out just that fact. Figured out that Neil ignored a boundary, had pushed past one so far there was no coming back from this.

But when practice is out and Neil is changed. He comes out of the showers to an empty locker room except for one person.

Andrew levels him with a blank stare as Neil moves quietly to collect his things, trying to ignore the urge to cross the distance between them. To ask those three words, to pull Andrew in his arms and let his fire consume them both.

“I’m going to Columbia tonight.” Andrew says suddenly, “Are you coming?”

Neil paused, and glanced over. “Just you? Why?”

His lips are in a thin line, and he doesn’t speak right away which is Neil’s first indication that Andrew is nervous. In his own way. His mind is going over different ways of saying the same thing over and over again until he can settle. 

“Because I wanted it to be just us.” He says finally, “If you want.”

The words are vulnerable, Andrew is offering a branch that Neil has never wanted to grab onto more. Neil feels his eyes grow wet for the first time in nine years. 

“Of course I want to.” He whispers. 

_But I can’t._

_I can’t do that to you._

“Then let’s go. I don’t want to be driving all night.” 

Andrew turns and leaves the locker room without another word. Neil lets the protests die on his lips as he is pulled after the other’s path. 

_I’ll tell him in the car._

Neil sits down into the Maserati and he hates himself. He loathes himself, and he wishes he had just ran like his body had been yelling at him too. He’s betraying Andrew by coming with him, he’s tricking him, Andrew always wanted this to be nothing. 

Neil’s anxiety finally caves in the silence that stretches between them and he reaches over to fiddle with the radio for a few moments. When Andrew doesn’t openly complain about the music that hums through, Neil lets his head rest against the window, trying to think of something to say to Andrew before they get too far. So the walk wouldn’t be as painful when he is finally kicked to the side. He wonders if he will finally cave to his old ways and run. Prove to Andrew that he has and always will be a liar. 

The sound of his name causes Neil’s eyes to snap open- he doesn’t remember closing them- and turns around blankly to see Andrew sitting across for him.

“We’re here.” He says, and opens his door. 

Neil blinks in surprise, before stumbling out the car in the sick realization that he had fallen asleep. 

Andrew has already opened the door when Neil reaches him, he knows that the latter can see the wild guilt and fear on his face because Neil hasn’t bothered to put on a mask. Andrew turns, his eyes blank, and he levels him with a stare that causes his stomach to twist into a knot.

“Talk to me Neil.” He says. 

The words are softer than Neil expects, and he doesn’t understand because why wasn’t he _mad._

“I’m sorry.” He whispers and Andrew takes a step towards him again. Neil can’t meet his eyes because he is weak, so, so, weak. 

“For what.” It isn’t a question, it is a statement. 

Neil cannot answer. 

Silence, then, a sharp intake of a breath that is not his own, “What did I do, Neil?”

His head shoots up and his eyes lock with Andrew’s and the air leaves him at once. Because there is no mask covering Andrew either now, his eyes are not blank and his body is not relaxed. 

Pain. Andrew’s entire face and body has contorted into pain. 

“Andr-” He starts but breaks off, his eyes are wet. 

“I’m tired of whatever game you are playing at. Spit it out.” He grits, his body tense and Neil doesn’t understand how he is supposed to speak.

_I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I’m sorry, I fell in love with you when I wasn’t supposed to._

“I-” He starts but his voice cracks, and he feels something slide down his face. Andrew’s eyes widen only slightly, but Neil’s vision is skewed and blurred when he tries to find his words, “I’m sorry.” 

Andrew steps forward, he reaches a slow hand out and Neil lets him, watching as he moves to his face to brush away his tears. Tears that haven’t fallen since he was ten.

_You’re manipulating him._

He lunges back, a strangled, “ _Don’t!_ ” Leaves his lips and Andrew freezes. This time his eyes are large and he thinks he sees the ache in his body mirrored through Andrew’s eyes. “Fuck, Andrew!I love you okay? I broke this, I fell in love with you and I’m fucking terrified! I love you Andrew and I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I know-” 

Neil Josten hates himself because he is weak. No matter how many times someone cuts into his skin, he is never strong enough to avoid the next slash. He is a coward, who has hidden behind too many faces to be able to know which one is himself. And most of all, Neil Josten has never bothered to properly build a shield around his heart.

His knees have always been weak around Andrew but this is the first time they give out. His body hitting the floor and he cries. “I can’t handle you hating me-” 

Andrew is on his knees now in front of him, Neil can’t look. 

“Neil.” His voice is not calm this time when he says it. 

“You wanted this to be nothing, and I fucked it up Andrew.” He whispers back, and he lets his eyes drift to meet hazel. 

And they burn. They burn brighter than they ever had before.

Something slides in his gut and clicks, he wasn’t the only one who fucked up.

_Oh._

“Neil.” Andrew repeats, “Yes or no?” 

He burns and he burns and he burns. _It will always be yes with you, you cannot ask that when you are the only yes I know._

“Yes.” He breathes and Andrew is moving. 

His hands slide up to cup the side of Neil’s face, he’s pulling Neil into him and Neil follows. His body ignites at the slide of Andrew’s lips and he thinks he tastes salt on his, when Andrew falls back to the floor and pulls Neil on top of him. He doesn’t let himself touch Andrew until he feels the gentle two taps against his wrist, and his hands are entangled in blonde hair. Andrew’s own hands move to his neck as his breaths leave him in short soft gasps. Andrew lays under him, something that happens so rarely because he hates being trapped, he hates the weight of a body on top of him but right now he tries to pull Neil impossibly closer to himself. 

_“Do you actually hate being touched or do you just not trust anyone enough to touch you?”_

“You’re a mess.” Andrew gasps against his lips and Neil can’t argue. 

Neil thinks he might die if he stops kissing Andrew, the push and the pull keeps pulling him into his clutches and Andrew dipping from his lips to his neck causes his body to shudder. 

“Do you-” Neil starts but his breath hitches when Andrew bites down on his collarbone. “Your room?” He tries again and Andrew is nodding, pulling at Neil’s arms and hands. They stumble, but even so Andrew turns around and shoves Neil’s jacket off his body, letting it fall to the ground. His fingers curl into his shirt and pull, searching for his lips again. 

When Andrew back shoves his bedroom door open, he doesn’t hesitate to spin them around and move Neil to the bed. They fall less than gracefully onto the bed and awkwardly tumble into each other. So it isn’t his fault that Neil can’t help the soft giggle that slips past his lips and Andrew is staring down at him in a haze. Neil looks back, and his face is flushed. Andrew murmurs something, so softly that Neil must have heard it wrong because it sounded like, _beautiful._

They’re kissing again, and Neil is arching up to meet Andrew halfway, his hands still firmly planted in his hair. 

He guesses this frustrates the other because he bites his bottom lip, “Waist and up for now.” 

Neil doesn’t hesitate, his hands skim his biceps, moving them quickly to his chest before pushing around his back to curl his fingers into his shoulder blades. Pulling him back into another kiss and Andrew melts against him again, his own hands now moving underneath Neil’s shirt and dancing across the scars that tell stories of every hell Neil had survived along his skin. 

Neil knows that Andrew knows every one. 

Both of their shirts are shoved off the other. Neil laughs again when his own shirt gets stuck around his head from the angle he sits at under Andrew, but Andrew scoffs lightly before helping him out of it. He also doesn’t hesitate to pull his own off afterwards, and Neil hums in approval. 

He tries to glare at the other but can’t when there is a light in Neil’s eyes that steals the breath from his lungs. So instead he settles for a rough, “Shut up.” 

“I didn’t say anything.” Neil dares to respond with, Andrew rolls his eyes. 

“You’re thinking something stupid, I can tell.” 

But still, Andrew can’t stop himself from dropping back onto his hands and kissing the laugh that bubbles to life on Neil’s lips away. Their hands pulling at each other, trying, but failing in getting closer. He burns. Neil burns with him. 

“What do you want?” He asks, his lips skimming across the shell of the other’s ear. Enjoying every soft shutter and gasp that leaves Neil’s lips. 

“You.” Neil sighs, his eyes fluttering close, “Just you.” 

Andrew swallows against a lump in his throat, Neil watches the bob of his adams apple silently. “We can-” He starts but hesitates, “I want you too.” He says, and Neil smiles. His hand drifting up to cup his cheek as gently as his hands can.

They stare at each other for a few moments, because they both know what they want. They have for a while but Andrew still had his own demons clinging to his every move. 

Tonight, the only thing clinging to him is Neil. He wonders if the inferno they had fallen into burned them away for the night.

“I’m ready if you are Andrew.” Neil says finally, because of course he is. His blue eyes are soft and darkened within the room. The moonlight spilling in through the window lights across the bed and makes his skin seem to glow. Andrew wants, craves, needs more. 

“Yes.” Andrew realizes, “It’s a yes.”

He’s kissing Neil again at the omission, and his heart is slamming against his chest when he realizes what that meant. Realizes through years of pain and trauma, this hadn’t been stolen from him. The feeling in Neil’s gut, mirrored through Andrew is theirs and theirs alone. Andrew can have this. They can have this.

Andrew awkwardly fumbles when he finally moves to grab the condom and lube. Shoving open his bedside drawer, slapping his hand around aimlessly and Neil huffs a laugh against his chest. In retaliation Andrew drops the items harshly on his chest. Watching the bounce off and fall to the sheets. The action only earns him another offending chuckle.

So instead, he goes painstakingly slow when he forces himself to pull away from Neil and fumble with the other’s jeans, before finally shoving the pants down, attempting to also prep his fingers in the movements. In front of anyone else Neil knew he would have been modified to be out like this, his entire body on display for wandering eyes. But Andrew is pressing a kiss against his knee, his eyes moving up to Neil’s when he pushes the first finger in. Neil’s toes curl, his mouth falling soundlessly open, and gives himself over to Andrew’s steady hands, he lets his mind hum with the pleasant reminder that he’s safe. He isn’t embarrassed with his body, and Andrew moves his other hand down against his chest in a soothing manner.

He swallows back the urge to say those three words again.

When Andrew deems Neil ready after a lengthy time of watching him squirm helplessly, slurring out half hearted insults in an attempt to hurry Andrew up, he finally moves back to hover over Neil again. Who catches Andrew’s expression quickly, his face twisted slightly and his eyebrows bunched up in the worry that feels impossible to shake.

 _What if I hurt you?_ Is said silently between them.

Neil smiles, before reaching a finger up to press against the skin, smoothing it out before hooking his arms loosely around Andrew’s neck. His fingers playing with the base of his hair before he whispers against Andrew’s lips, “You won’t.”

Andrew sighs. Neil counts it as a win. 

“Still yes?” He asks softly again, and Andrew rolls his eyes at that. Even though they are so close and the fire is swallowing them both, Andrew still has time to snark at Neil. Because Neil still asks, never assumes, and never takes without permission.

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” 

Neil huffs, “Yeah well I’m asking it, asshole, so.” 

The small pull of one side of Andrew’s lips makes Neil’s heart sing. He leans down, “Yes, Neil.” He promises, “Only you.” 

With a breath, Andrew is finally pushing forward, slowly, so slowly but Neil still lets the soft moan that is building slip out of his mouth. It’s encouragement as it is a promise. Andrew pauses for a few moments, trying to find his breath and calm the trembling of his arms. Never letting his eyes drift away from Neil who stares up at him, his face flushed and eyebrows knitted together. When he notices the pause, Neil nods to him with a smile.

“I’m okay.”

So Andrew moves again, pushing himself closer and closer with every passing moment until he can’t anymore. Until they are as close as they can possibly be. He ducks his head, resting it on Neil’s shoulders and boxing him in. Neil, who now clutches his back, moving his legs up to wrap around Andrew’s waist. 

“I got you.” Neil whispers softly and grins when he feels a slight bite on his shoulder in retaliation. “Are you okay?” 

A soft kiss this time, then a nod.

Then Andrew starts to move and Neil’s eyes flutter close, the gasp coming out of him was unbidden. And Andrew is pressing his face with kisses as he pulls Neil closer to him. Still trying to satisfy the burning need inside of them both, that only grows with each passing moment.

A quiet curse slips past Andrew’s lips when Neil moves slightly to meet him halfway. His heart thudding painfully hard against his chest as he tries to push closer and deeper. He feels himself slipping into the sensation of Neil being everywhere and Andrew is curling his arms around Neil’s back now, their foreheads pressed against each other as they share each other's soft sounds. Their gasps and the soft laugh that slips from Neil’s lips when Andrew stutters and curses because neither of them have ever done something like this before. But it’s safe, it’s safe because it’s them. The cling to each other desperately as the pressure builds between them. 

It builds, and it grows with each passing moment and it’s not enough because his heart is swelling and Neil moans, his fingers digging in as he squeezes his legs tighter around Andrew. 

“I’m- I’m close.” He gasps and Andrew nods his head, reaching one hand up to stroke his cheek and traces the jagged scars under his finger tip. 

“Let go for me.” He says against the shell of Neil’s ear. And he does, with a shuttered gasp, his eyes close and his fingers grip him tighter. Andrew wants to watch forever, for once not hating his mind as the image is burned into place but soon he’s following Neil down. His body tensing and he drops his face into the crook of Neil’s neck. Letting it stifle his groan and his world burns, burns, burns, in the safety of Neil’s arms.

Neil strokes his hair when Andrew comes back too, his voice low as he hums softly to him, his legs now slack against Andrew, who knows it’s him giving him an out if he needs it. 

But he can’t let Neil go.

Andrew sighs softly, kissing the other’s neck before forcing himself to look up at Neil, who can’t help the grin that breaks across his face. His hands coming to cup his cheek and pull their foreheads together again. Neil finds he doesn’t mind the sweat.

“Are you okay?” He asks, blue eyes searching and Andrew kisses him in response. 

“Yes.” He admits quietly, “Are you?” 

“Don’t ask questions you already know the answer to.” Neil says, earning himself a half hearted attempt at a glare in response. He pokes his chest fondly, “Yes, Drew. I am.” 

Because he is. Because his body is burning and it's safe, and he never wants it to stop. He knows, he knows what Andrew told him through his body alone and Neil is okay because he is safe, and he is home, and Neil wasn’t the only one to fall. He never needs Andrew to say those three words back. He is a fool for not seeing it before, but now it is impossible to miss with the way he moves off of Neil with ease and starts to clean him slowly. His face is carefully blank now, but his hands are soft. His words lack the edge they do around everyone else, and he moves quickly to press a kiss to Neil’s forehead when Neil sighs at the gentle movements. 

Neil knows what Andrew cannot say. He doesn’t need him to.

But Neil isn’t the only one that surprised the other in this relationship.

When Andrew finally crawls back into his bed beside him, he pulls Neil to his chest and buries his face into Neil’s neck once again. Before pressing a soft kiss to it in a silent yawn. 

“Junkie?” He asks suddenly and holds onto the soft laugh that leaves Neil lips like the treasure it is. 

“Yes?” 

Andrew pulls him tight, because ever since Neil Josten walked into his life, Andrew had willingly let his inferno consume him whole. 

“I love you too.”  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> thank you reading :) I always appreciate any kind of feedback! 
> 
> yell at me on tumblr at; kanekicure 
> 
> or my twitter; andreiltm


End file.
